The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again,

Ugh. I dont know, whether to feel happy or sad. After 3 years of shit, and well.. happiness? i guess he brought me that. And, now he's leaving. Today was his last day, and his 'so called best friend' found out today, too. So much is going through my head. How, what, where, when, WHY. What disgusts me is that, i told everyone i hated him. I posted journal after journal bitching about him. Yes, he caused me shit. But when you look back on it, he made me smile more than anyone ever could. He was there for me when i had no one. He held my hand, when things were rough. He'd come to school, after a night of me, ranting and crying over the phone, and run up to me, grab me and hug me. He was always the one i could turn to. With everything. I rang him when all the shit with him happened. I turned to him when lauren left. He was the last reminder i had, apart from pictures, and a scrapbook, of lauren. Me and him often speak openly about our memories, and how we miss her. We still do. Honestly. I held onto him with both my hands because he was.. ugh. It hurts to say this but he was my everything. I let him get between me and lauren, i let him under my clothes, i let him into my heart, and i shared everything with him. Yeah, he treated me shit, and he made me do things i never dreamed i would, he lead me to believe i meant something then crashed me back down at a bad point in my life. And now, he's leaving. How, how the FUCK could he keep that from me? HOW FUCKING DARE HE. I know, i promised dayle we would not speak again, i know i avoided him, but i just.. i never dreamed that this would happen. He did tell me last term that there was a possibility he was going, but, i didn't believe him.. just like i didn't believe lauren. Shit. 2. thats now, 2 of the people that meant the most in my life, have gone. THE 2 people. I thought he might have told me, last week, or something, to fucking prepare me. At least lauren gave me fucking, 4 months. How could he do this to me, he said he cared. Now he's fucking crashed this on me, and he wouldn't even hug me goodbye. What brought this on, Where are you going exactly, when did you find this out, how could you not tell me first, your best? friend, and why. I need to know these to put my mind at rest.

I cant believe this is happening to me. Never, ever, ever did i think it would. I never thought i'd loose him. I thought he'd always be here. And, how could i fucking treat him the way i have the past few weeks? 'the last memory's will always be the best, beth.' Fuck that. I've ignored you, I've said things that i knew would hurt you, I've shouted shit i knew i didn't mean, and i think you knew it to, but most of all; i've fought with you. And i can never forgive myself for that. I saw you, in tears when we had that fight, and i laughed. I laughed in your face. And you're face, when i did, will always haunt me. You've hurt me physically, way too much, and emotionally too, but i stooped to your level, and i could see in your eyes that you were shocked. Shocked that I, the one person who sat by, who cared so much about you, that never stood up to you and took your shit, you were shocked that I of all people, the person who comforted you, knew what to say and when to say it, admired you, stood up to you. I'm shocked to. And i wish i hadn't, I thought i was being strong, but..

gah.

You've changed so much in the 3 years i've known you, I cant recognise the boy i fell in love with. I cant see who you actually are. But that moment, i saw my sam in your eyes.

My lyrics for today are so true it hurts. Its about an alcoholic, but, for me its about something completely different. He saved me, from everything i thought i could save myself from, everything that is possible to save someone from.

I just know one things for sure. I Miss You. Already. And its been one hour.  &, You meant everything to me. I can never hide that fact. My Sam will never leave. And he has never left.I love you. Best Friends Forever; We made the pact, Lauren, You and I. And that will never, ever disappear. Ever. That pact was forever. forever. I will NEVER. EVER. forget you.